Epiphany celebration small-group discussion notes

First Discussion Question: Most of us have had the experience of thinking we knew someone well enough to know what he or she wanted, only to find out we were mistaken, and the potential for error is increased by differences of language, culture, and socio-economic status. In forming mission partnerships that involve such differences, what are some ways to foster a really mutual relationship of understanding and care?


Group 1: Ways to foster mutual relationships – listening; clarifying (intention to really want to know them), openness; not judging (assumptions), automatic responses – not necessarily helpful – need time to swallow and digest first (need patience); denial (want it to go differently – [must be] willing to let go of control; freedom to speak up and disagree; knowing [our] purpose is to work together; must want to work together – allow for differences in expectations (working in groups [?])

Group 2: What is imposed won’t endure. Do not create dependency – always need a degree of ownership and control [on the part] of the people being served; Even the people [closest to us] we don’t [really] know – we assume reactions and responses based on our [own] personalities. We assume we are the mean - Our frame of reference is to compare things to what we know; There is a sense of being uncomfortable because of others’] customs and expectations; Show that you are trying and are watching; Demonstrate [an interest in a] ministry of presence; Ask others what they need – they won’t [necessarily] initiate.

Group 3: Listening involves forming trust – Understand the meaning of love and respect in each culture; Understand the status and power differences already evident in other groups; Listen for evidence that others do or do want help/dialogue; Use lots of humor; Listen using respectful actions (“don’t mess with each other”); Acknowledge their [spoken] words – also [use/watch for] body language and expressions; [Ask:] Can we eat together? Understand . . . [eating] customs; Listen for what they need – Use humor – Look at eyebrows, hands, and pitch changes. People don’t always mean what they say – study others’ culture

Group 4: Immerse yourself in learning culture and language; Recognize that we [at Crescent Hill; in the United States] are not with greater wisdom; Learn to listen/step back; Be sensitive to why we are there; [Stress -] learning [and] developing relationships; Put aside our feelings about how things need to be or [how things need to be] fixed; Recognize and understand the reasons why things are as they are; Avoid alienating partners you need by ignoring what they need; Place value on these relationships; Apply these values to other areas of your life; Can’t discount everything that was there before.

Group 5: Story about remote control cards (from Doug Yeager); Come to the table and listen (listen to see if your ideas get any traction); Careful balance of putting things on the table and letting someone else pick things up [or not?]; If we’re coming from different experiences, you also have to give input (sewing machine story); Another story: no electrical infrastructure to support cooking items given to coop in Mexico; Other stories (redecorating – gang issues – color choices) (coats children – couldn’t wear) – Must do research; (Holly) didn’t think decorating was important, but kids convinced her of its importance; Easy to get stuck in cross-cultural communication – bring in ideas as suggestions; We must be giving from our perspective.

Group 6: [Be] patient, waiting – Ideas [may] ripen, whereas our culture tends to rush; Concentration of work in mission – Don’t spread ourselves too thin because there’s so much complexity; Don’t assume we see the priorities of “recipients,” and make sure they are in the leadership and on their way to becoming the givers, not the recipients; Use what already in you [?]; Let distant mission enlighten you about what needs to be done in your own community; Remember that some people have great trouble accepting assistance, but really do need help; Learning to ask for help may be a key in mission.

Group 7: We need to be listening … for differences. Observing is a way around this; Don’t take the lead – small steps could be a contribution; It’s the type of mind[set] to listen (with a “humble” mind); Listening takes time; Ask what they need; Have a spiritual openness” – so that going to minister we may be ministered to; Get to the root of the problem – Don’t just address symptoms; Developing trust – takes time; See people as people, not as problems.

Group 8: [We] desire to be helpful but [sometimes take] wrong actions (for example, donating tuxedos to a clothes closet; designated giving to low priorities; donating junk that no one can use). Most Western countries want to “do”; most Eastern folks want relationships first and activity second (exactly the reverse of Western culture); building relationships is paramount. Working in partnership is more time-consuming than just “doing something,” and so we get frustrated at the lack of progress. Shot-term [mission tripping] is inferior because there is little opportunity to get to know people. Individual or small-group travel – preferable – because large groups are too constricting and too intimidating for the partner.

Group 9: What are ways of fostering understanding? Try to learn as much as possible first (have to have deep knowledge); Ask first: Is this something we should be doing? Make a friend you can trust; Hang out with ears open and mouth shut – absorbing culture; Find a mentor who is trusted by the community – this person can be your gatekeeper; Joint decision-making (not just accepting a suggestion from the most powerful community member); Must “park” pre-conceived notions; Have patience – Recognize others’ sense of time; Persevere in relationships (try to focus on long-term relationships); Include follow-up in planning; How do we focus on true transformation? Real transformation takes time, sometimes many missions, or many decades – It’s hard to overcome our habits and our inertia; Look at mission as a journey, not a one-hit wonder, not a “trip”; Give ideas of how to extend commitment and how to continue the journey
Second Discussion Question: You may be able to imagine someone, somewhere buying a Christmas present for, say, a spouse or a sibling that you think they probably will like, but it is really something you want. It is very important to be aware of one’s motivations. What are your motivations for ‘doing mission’? What do you think you will get out of it? More broadly, how do you think this congregation will benefit?


Group 1: Seeing others is our suffering too; To alleviate suffering is to alleviate our own suffering; Seems futile [to attack suffering] and easy to give up; The causes of suffering are embedded in structures even bigger than we are; Don’t deny our own aggression (sports arenas are cultural phenomena); People want to believe in things (for example, British soccer fans [?]);

Group 2: Our perspective changed in a way we didn’t expect; What has been very helpful: Having other come to us (Immokalee workers; Soila) [Not to make lists of the differences between us, but what unites us - the love of God)

Group 3: Wanting to know people and know them better; Learn differences; [Make] friends in a community; Keeps us humble to what’s out there; Adjust expectations – set up for disappointment; Like the spontaneous, unexpected learning and joy; Deal directly in relationships, not “through” someone; Building trust to lay the foundation for joy; Leads us from talking to doing and learning; Validating our reason for being; Helps us discover internal motivations;

Group 4: Reward-oriented society – sometimes [there] is no personal reward; Know others well enough to know what they want or need – this is very hard and can make mission efforts go wrong; Are you listening – really listening? [One doesn’t] always get a thank you; Finding the role of prayer in this; Pray to show us the way; Taking us out of our comfort zone; Our congregation does a lot in this area – creates comfort; Recognizing that this may be intimidating to “newer” people; Recognizing each others’ passions and supporting them instead of trying to recruit them (?); Can’t rest on what we have already done; Heightened awareness; Mission creates greater wholeness in a fragmented society and expands out of our comfort area.

Group 5: Building relationships – giving/receiving; Being present/listening; (Sharing (?)) hopes and dreams; Foster child – who had been in institutions for past 2 ½ of his 5 years. Very violent, self-destructive, impulsive child. Everyone had ideas. Day program at Caritas kicked him out – School wouldn’t take him either. They therefore had him 24 hours a day. He liked computer games. Beth sat by him on another computer hour after hour and that was what he needed. After eight weeks with Beth constantly there – same person; same place – He could go into school. She had to be where he was. They needed to have hope and notice little signals. They could tell he was listening. Stopped and spent time building a relationship – That was what mattered. Being with someone, to learn what was wanted/needed.

Group 6: Share love of Christ – share/receive; accompaniment/solidarity – agricultural mission (Dan Bliss – melt needs of the world); Appreciation of universal human experience – “Washington bubble” – example of disconnect from those one serves – Christ love – antidote; Connection between someone and “others” – find similarities as examples of universalities; Missions – being open to the surprise of God; Missions – healing the worker/receiving from God; Change of venue/atmosphere/change “time” paradigm – open to healing by going from U.S. time – to “garden” or “Appalachian” time; Benefits – learn to view time differently; Learning to let people help; Example: Tuesdays with Maury – example that at end of life – total dependence allows us to receive/know the love and care of those around him/us. Proposed summary: Mission= Sharing time with others – receiving/sharing true communication; changing our view of time – open to receiving from the one who loves us enough to give us each other.

Group 7: We want to share the things we have, things we can do; It’s been our tradition - we have a history of mission; We want to be of service; We need to be aware of our motivations; It makes it [church?]a more welcoming place people want to be among others.

Group 8: Building relationships – not a new concept (Egyptian retreat center – 1960s [?]); Have eyes opened – see others and myself more clearly; Tension between/balance of activity/relationship-building; How to sustain relationship beyond a short-term mission trip? Establish relationships with others who are engaged and participate in a mission network; Look for individual opportunities as well as more group efforts to extend relationships.

Group 9: Keeping us grounded; giving us perspectives on materialism and distractions from spirituality in our culture; How do we incorporate our learnings from mission into our own lives? There are many opportunities – how do we rein ourselves in and choose where we put our emphasis? The ongoing relationship will continue to give to us [?]; My personal call may be somewhere else; how do we support mission without having the time or financial resources?; We need to remember the power of prayer; Offer several options for people to choose from – join a limited number of missions; narrow the focus; Write a check! If you have no money, write a letter! Knit a hat to give away; Avoid giving people a guilty conscience; Mission strengths our faith; Mission gives us a way to say “thank you” for all we have received.